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I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome