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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
What do women say when they are actually fine?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.