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Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)