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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!