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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.