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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.