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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers