Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.