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wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"