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Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook