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I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.