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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.