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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.