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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.