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I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin