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I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.