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Happy people don`t take long showers.
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.