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Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.