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I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them