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If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.