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Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.