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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.