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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.