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I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.