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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.