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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.