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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”