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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..