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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.