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Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.