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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.