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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.