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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!