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French people give me the crepes.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.