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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.