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The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.