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I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.