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In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.