Daily Silly Status

You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`

Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.

Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.

I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.

I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.

I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”

I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)

It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...

My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.

I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.

Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.