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I`m not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again....
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page