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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
"May the 4th" be with you!
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?