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I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.