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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.