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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.