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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!