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I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?