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Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.