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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.