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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.