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The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...