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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.