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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.