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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".