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New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Valentines day
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”