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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.