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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
What about a To-Don`t List?
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".