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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!